Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What Lies Beneath???

Often we hear people saying, “ Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. Here are the simpler Tips to partly fix the problem that neither of them understand or communicate just right!
So here we go…

What Women say and what they actually mean…
“ I loveeeeeeee surprises!!!!!!!” what she actually means is… MY birthday is nearing… so the Gift better be from one of the expensive stores we are about to visit or I am about to spell out!!!!
“ How come we never go out these days?” …. What it translates into is “ I haven’t worn my new clothes anywhere so better take me out soon!!!”
“ Do I look fat?” …Meaning…. I have done the Oh-so-famous GM Diet… can’t you even notice!! You Freak!!!!
“ My hobbies are Antique collections, traveling and shopping,”…means… I have actually decided where I am spending your Life long Bonuses, Hikes and Promotions dear!!
“ I don’t take very long to choose” meaning. “ I have already ordered for the Dress… Just pay for it!!”
“ I like trying out new cuisines in town”… Is actually read as “ you better get ready to buy me food over the weekend coz the Kitchen is officially closed!”
“ I am willing to stretch”…. Meaning I am going to on long lunch breaks … so you better not have a problem!!!
“ I like it when Men are sensitive” meaning you forgot our Anniversary last time so
“They make such a cute couple. They are so romantic!!” meaning…. I have heard her brag about PARIS soo much that you will go Bald if we don’t go there this summer!!
“ We need to get the Plumbing done this weekend else we will have to shell out a lot on Damages!” meaning…. “ You don’t get to watch TV this weekend!”
“Can you give me a hand in the Kitchen?” meaning “ I am not your mama to feed you in Bed so no warming bottoms at ours MR. Mama’s Boy!”
“ Why don’t we have a joint account?” meaning…. You just forget about the money you earn, you can worry once its spent!
“ I am meeting the girls from college” meaning “ Retail therapy” irrespective of no
“ I love kids!!!” means… “ I want to be the first one in the group to be married!” and I don’t care how?
“ I like the new Mall that is opened… why don’t we go there?” translates as “ I don’t quiet fancy your idea of watching movies on pirated DVDs at your friend’s place”
“ I am getting a call” meaning…. “ I am bored talking about your family tree” so please change the topic!
“ I don’t like men with Beard … such a turn off” means… “ Don’t ever give me excuse of the Barber shop being closed...ever!!!”
I hate Gossip” … aka… “ I like being in the thick of things… its called Current affairs…. Of people who live around the vicinity!”
“ I don’t complaint at all” meaning…. “ I not only complain but I will nag you death if you don’t listen to me!!!’’
“ I am an independent woman and a together lady” means… “ We cant live under one roof with your folks or mine!!!”
“ I believe marriages are about sharing responsibilities and understanding and giving ‘space’ to each other in the relationship”…. Please read this as “ We will be discussing point by point as to the details of our daily chores e.g.: - Doing the dishes, Grocery shopping, Laundry, Bills, etc. and agree to it mutually and you cannot at any point in time shy away from any job assigned to you!”.
And what she actually means about space is “ I don’t want to hear you say ever “ Mom doesn’t do it this way!”
“ I am a sensitive individual” meaning; - “ You cannot complain or get annoyed with the fact that I use ‘Tears’ as a defense mechanism!”
“ I think you should try more bold colors and different patterns” means “ I am tired of your white and blue shirts and your faded jeans… so please don’t ever go shopping alone!”
“ You never mingle with my family, why don’t we visit them”. Actually means…. “ We are spending this weekend there… so this a warning for you to prepare for human behavior!”
“ I love Black”. Don’t know why?” Meaning- The color just makes me look a size thinner!

I guess that’s quite a bit of revelation.so why don’t we decipher what Men actually mean when they say stuff we don’t actually understand….

“ I actually like you coz you are so much like my Mom,” … women know what you mean here “ Oh no! Dude I am never bringing coffee to you at bed.. You will have to Brush your teeth” or “ I am not going to wash your dirty socks… It’s all you honey!
“ I like quite weekends” to be read as… “I hate shopping and will always do!”

“ I like Branded stuff” …. Meaning I am lazy to look around… so I will stick to simpler choices… the fewer the better!
“I am having to work late tonight honey!” meaning … “ I have a party tonight and you are not invited to it…
“ I think I am coming down with a fever” meaning… sorry “ I forgot to do the dishes!”….
“ I am missing Mom’s chicken…. “ Meaning… “ I am going over the weekend to Mum’s and you can plan yours without me!”
“ I am taking a sick leave today” is. “ I am watching the Cricket match at home… but I can’t go out with you!
“ You look so pretty today” means… “ Can we watch “Lost” today instead of one of your “ Chick flicks?”
“ Don’t carry too much luggage” meaning… “ I am sure you are going to shop for more so why make me carry the burden all around town”…

“ Can’t we pay by card?” meaning- “ I forgot to go to the ATM to draw cash”
“ I like Black” actually to be read as “ I am lazy to wash…. Light colors show dirt easily!”
“ You look nice in anything you wear … always!J” meaning …” I Actually don’t care!! While I am watching a football match”
“ Why do you have to match everything? Clothes and Bags and Shoes…” actually translates into “That’s not what Men are looking for??”
“ I have a conference this weekend, Cannot absolutely Miss it” … which is to be comprehended as “ I know your relatives are visiting so I am scooting!”
“ I can’t sing”. Meaning… “ I am genuinely not interested… so even you don’t try singing!”
“ You don’t look Fat… “ Meaning… “You couldn’t have put so much weight since last week, Can you?”
“ I don’t know what’s the difference b/w Apple green and Olive Green”. Meaning…. well! Here they actually mean that … coz Men definitely believe there aren’t more colors than VIBGYOR!!

“ I don’t like shopping with Girls” also Translated as Ditto and that I cant see you Bargain at every store every time…. For 10 rupees or their multiples! …
“ You are definitely my first and the last!” … Meaning… “ I am obviously clever enough never to let you know of the previous Flings… and Future…. Ya right… you are one hell –of –a –lifetime experience!!!”

Thursday, July 1, 2010

‘Hippo’-critical and P-h-e-w ‘Insecurities’!!!

I have been meaning to write something more serious a note this time as what am about to write is evolving a new pattern emerging amidst the so called New age youth.
More often than not you get advices when you are actually only seeking some empathetic tone of words to cheer you up from a muddle.
Typical clichĂ© Monologues like – “ I knew this long distance never works out”
“ How can you be so immature?” …
“ I always knew he was a jerk? I just thought you would figure out sooner than later”
“ Oh you don’t know what you are missing being vegetarian?”
“ Oh that’s not the right usage of the word?”
“ Ha you shouldn’t be eating at all!!!”…
The best advice comes to you when it is most inappropriate- a- situation!!!
I am sure many of you would agree with the topic I am about to throw light on – Obesity, weight and the other ‘FATTY” nuances………
It’s almost never that I can have a peaceful meal when people known to me for years… from school or college or Infancy stage or some strange “ Hi- hello fellas at work” have to comment about my eating…. What is annoying is that the Myth they carry! And generally people love boasting about is you shouldn’t eat if you are Fat / obese / over weight!!!!!!!!
“I am sorry did you just do a P.H.D or do you have ancestral knowledge inherited on Nutrition????” is my reaction to that. What people don’t realize or shy away from is that – such questions and mockery remarks may have some effect on people who are sensitive about their weight!!! For e.g. Your’s truly…. Most of the people who I share even a basic acquaintance, let alone my close family and friends know I am suffering from a medical condition and actually the root cause isn’t the diet… but a far more serious issue.
However… it baffles me every time to bump into a few of them known to me for donkey’s years that the ‘Ice breaker’ question or Remark is me being overweight, or few chuckles about calling me fat and other such adjectives…. Gosh…. I am tempted to ask them- “ Is this the commonality you want to share in a conversation?”.. I reserve it to myself realizing that by and large a more hypocritical behavior so no one else comments on their appearance or the Spot light be taken away from them… or simply in the attempt to make someone the Butt-of-ridicule so it easies a tense situation or an awkward moment of pause or silence… I remember one instance at my previous job where some one was laughing about me eating a fruit bowl at the cafeteria…. Errrrrrrrr what is the problem dude???
I know of gourmands who basic purpose in life is to eat and venture out to every restaurant new in town… and they develop this credibility (gods knows from where??) to comment on what I eat or shouldn’t eat… for heaven sake’s I am not non-vegetarian nor do I eat so much rice. Nor do I prefer eating out…. So I am thinking “ UP yours!!!!!” I pay a doctor for that advice, thanks!!!
Lets hit another controversial topic considering we are talking so much about food… about being Vegetarian or turning into one…. The most educated people I know seem to have the least of the rationale to accept that Veg food is good…. and there is no NON VEG that can be cooked deliciously without using Veggies…well almost!!!
Its when you are this fancy restaurant eating Paneer that you get their “ Vishesh Tippani” more synonymous to SPIT…. It goes like this…. “ Yuccccccckkkkkkk” or “ Cheeeeeeeee” … “ Abbah I don’t how you eat that!!!! Thu”…. And there goes your appetite… but of course incase you even attempt a scowl… while fish trays or Pig…. I mean Mince is passed around you…. You are branded as being “ Fuss pot” or “ OMG. She is so uptight??” Really am I???
I am reminded of this Gujarati friend of ours who used to get the best gujju oota for our lunches during College days… Of course the entire gumbal would pounce on that one little box of Thepla and Khakra and mango pickles…. So why the frowns on vegetarians or advising like Old saints about the goodness of MEAT and evil effects or harm from lettuce, cabbage etc etc… Let me tell you… its not that 365 days in a year and the leap year… that they eat Non veg 24/7…. But such gyaan batofying sessions are inevitable during any gathering…
The next one is where even mua is guilty of… when one of your friend is dating someone or going to marry someone who you don’t think is a good match or you think is not serious or not worth a try, not in the league… We end up with bubble gums and not even giving a 2km –close-view of the person when questioned.
“ Oh you guys make such a cute couple?” … Really what’s wrong with you…? Or when you hear “ WOW!!!! You accepted the proposal for Marriage”. It’s actually “ Oh I didn’t think you would go beyond even 3 months!” So why is it that no one is ready to give a candid view when things are a little sticky… and not pleasant…. I’ve concluded it to be one reason…. “ On a general level everyone likes being popular in relationships with friends….” Coz they don’t want to be the messenger of bringing bad news that probably needs to end in the first place”.
I have heard so many such remarks like “ oh don’t feel guilty!!!” “ Oh it wasn’t worth it!!” or “It’s ok you were blind!!!” Really??? So where were you all this while to tell me I am stupid before the disaster… anyways…
This is also one of the far more frequently witnessed syndromes in our Mera Bharath mahaannnn.
The so called NRIs or the self coveted ones or the ones who just happened to step in another country for even as little as two days… give Free tutorials on “ Traffic is so pathetic here”,” People talk so loudly!!!” or… “ Oh you too have Hard rock cafĂ© here?” even better is. “Why don’t you have Air conditioned homes in Bangalore?” or “Why is the service so slow??” and stuff like…. “Oh I need a spoon”. “Can you fetch me some distilled water please?”.” How do you manage in those autos?”
You know what you Pseudo Desis… we are far better rooted. So thank you very much. I am always tempted to ask them these hard-hitting questions like “ Can you ever shop in exquisite boutiques rather than from Dollar store or Wal-Mart or Penny’s… and that too from a 70% sale or during Thanksgiving?” Or “ When was the last time some one visited your Oh so beautiful studio in San Francisco?” sorry!! You said your Indian neighbour… ahhhh did she take an appointment to visit you for Black-tea?” … So “ How is it that you lived in Mumbai aka Slums for 25+ years and hung partially outside of Electric trains… If you are indeed imported Air conditioned maal???” “ Thanks for the ferrero rocher box… But I had to throw away the National market’s Price tag!!!” …… “We know the Hershey’s is from the Dollar Store!!!”…. “What is Credit rating??… You haven’t got Cable coz you don’t have a credit rating!!! I go to the ATM here and I get a credit card or a personal loan within 10 mins!”
“ Oh I am sorry did you say you have an Identity there. I thought it ended with your SSN!!!”
Seems like I can scribble at a length on this… however I do want to mention a few “my own life’s illustrations”…
How many times would you have finished a story or discussion or a chat without one or two enthu cutlets energetically interrupting correcting your grammar or smirking with the usage of a new word … or even better when one of your dear ones mock your knowledge or the lack of it on some Italian freaking cuisine… Lasagna!!! For the benefit of those who I can totally comprehend may have heard it the first time here…. Its apparently an Italian pasta casserole dish!!!! In my defense…. At the age of 21 during college days with DD channels on TV was being our affordable luxury and being introduced to indulgences like Cable TV, MTV music, CDs, Telephone was only once I was employed…. It is but natural to not know such ‘Milano- Marriano’ Delicacies!!
Majority of the Indian population still doesn’t have the access to Media, Newspapers, Radio, and Internet and many other such avenues of knowledge which are assumed as a given in the upper strata of society…
I am sorry dear friends…This doesn’t define anyone’s intelligence… although this happens to be a fav college memorabilia for yall and the only nostalgic moment of pride and joy of good old college days (5 years). Sorry doesn’t matter to me… I would be more embarrassed if I didn’t know my ethnicity dishes, a for-an-instance would be… Avvial… or Vathia Kozambhu (being a hard core Tam Bohman) and not like Mr. Milan knows what the heck “ Avvial” comprises of!!!

I am sure there are some out there reading this scribble of mine, who out of an impulsive or compulsive disorder do a Spell check of what I have written here to save their sanity!!!!! God help those first benchers, scholarship holders and IITians and IIM goers!!!! I would want to believe there are other things in perspective than being a mobile “ Wren & martin book”/ “Oxford dictionary” for others!!!!
The choice is actually individualistic I suppose! Two clears ways… Being picky insecure… or being Magnanimous!!!
With good knowledge comes Great Rationale… I still would want believe in that…. (Barring a few illustrious occurrences where we meet some who suffer from serious insecurity!!!)
For those few who think I have taken the liberty of referring you in a non-heroic manner…. Sorry guys!!!! It’s my BLOG… and finally I get to have the last laugh here :)!!! On a serious note this is more a message passed onto the restless youth these days rather than a personal reciprocation… so chill maadi :)